Chronically A Fool

“When you're thirty you're old enough to know better,but still young enough to go ahead and do it.” - Brigitte Bardot

Anger. A true red anger. Angry for being so blind, so naive, so wistful. Angry for dragging the inevitable out. Anger is the best feeling word for this one. So, with this journal entry of misadventure, I hope to leave the anger right here and stop carrying it in my heart and into the future.

Realizing you're being fooled, lied to, lied about... you can see it smack dab in your face but still deny it daily if you really want to see a different picture. Warning signs left and right yet still trying to make it work like trying to fit that last dish into the dishwasher when you know there just isn't any safe place to put it. 

Was I just a convenience? A means to hold a place for a short time period? Nobody is perfect and by golly I know my flaws but a good look back on it shows me that I did try harder than I probably ever have before but when you're trying to make someone love you in a way they just aren't capable of- you're gonna end up being nothing but exhausted. When it's all said and done you have to face the reality of how much precious time was wasted, how much pain was unnecessarily dealt and that you just have to go on like it never happened. It's easier for some, I suppose.

In some ways, I think the reality hit me long before I was ready to accept it and the love began to turn into some type of a passionate turmoil of hate and war. It's laughable to some probably but the song I relate to this one was one that was popular at the very time that began to happen and I began to use it as a way of coping with the rage burning inside. It made me feel like I had some very small grip of control on the emotional roller coaster I was on. If I was going to be labelled as something, well, I darn sure was going to be it to the largest capacity. Crazy. Totally bonkers, off my rocker... okay. How'd I get that way though?

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