Chronically Vulnerable

“He put his hand on my waist, and my heart began to pound, a rougher rhythm than the music. I held my skirt. Our free hands met. His felt warm and comforting and unsettling and bewildering- all at once.”
-Gail Carson Levine, Ella Enchanted

Vulnerable. The weak and easy to fall feeling is what I am dropping here. I had started to build a wall before this particularly earth-shattering misadventure began and I knocked it down for him far too easily.

The compatibility was out-of-this-world. I do mean that to some sort of literal sense, too. Right off the bat there was an intense connection as we shared our hurts and experiences with each other and discussed what we truly wanted and how scared we both were to keep trying. Our faith was our biggest connection and I'm embarrassed to say I allowed the events that ended this attachment to shake mine greatly. I'm trying to climb back out of that hole now.

The first time our hands touched there was a feeling that began as a tingling in my fingers and traveled as a warm currant up my arm and straight to my chest. I drew back in fear but after that point I couldn't resist the magnetism.

Being with him felt like the most perplexing mix of terror and comfort at the same time. I was shaken to the core as the ground began to slip out from under my feet yet his arms, his scent, his words... they somehow caught me and held me captive, suspended in air. I swear I could smell colors and see energy (and no, there was nothing ingested that would cause that!).

He spoke of wanting to have something to offer me more than himself and that he had to get some things handled before he could. He had no confidence in the things he already possessed and could offer to another person. I assured him I only wanted his presence and company. He began to let me in and said three words to me that no man had ever said to me before... "I need you." Those three words knocked me off my feet.

Unfortunately, even when someone seems like the most trustworthy place to land your heart- they may not be at all. In a crazy turn of events, I found out in a very devastating way that I was being deceived. Silly me for believing the reason we were keeping our blossoming courtship quiet was for the reasons he had given me instead of because there was another blossoming courtship on his horizon. I'm still reeling from this particular deception and loss. It's funny how you can know someone for years and not feel as connected to them as someone you've only known a few months and also how strange it is to go from talking to someone just about every day for months to not hearing their voice anymore and what a huge hole that can leave inside.